He who must be kept (fuzzface_63) wrote,
He who must be kept

3 Jokes

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.. a concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse
head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to
work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's president of the United States."

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight

attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served

them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and

announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce

that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could

just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather

exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you

to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a

Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,"Well,

sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.

Tray-up, bitch!"

My kind of professor

A professor stood before his Philosophy 101 class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it intothe jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The studentsresponded with a unanimous - - yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jareffectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - - your family, your partner, your health, your children, your friends, your favorite passions - - things that if everything else was lost and only theyremained, your life would still be full." "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else - - the small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. Play another 18. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first - - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full

your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers!!

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